Samantha Laycock is a 37 year old woman living in Calgary, Alberta. She’s originally from Oakfield, Wisconsin. Samantha has been married for 16 years and is the mother of 3 children. Samantha was sexually assaulted in 2003 and kept it a secret until 2014 when she decided to share it by starting her first blog to help herself heal.
Hello Samantha,
Thank you so much for doing this interview. I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me.
Can you share the circumstances surrounding your sexual assault?
I was a freshman in university in my first semester. I had invited him over for a date in my dorm room as I packed to go home for Christmas break. I had another final to attend so I thought it would be the safest place to have a date for an hour or two.
How did your sexual assault impact your mental health?
I didn’t tell anyone about my sexual assault. I kept it a secret as I didn’t want anyone to feel what I was feeling. I struggled for a very long time. I kept it a secret for 11 years before finally sharing my story. It wasn’t until then that I was able to begin to work on my mental health. I went from being an 18 year old who knew everything about herself to an 18 year old girl who no longer wanted to live. I thought about suicide often but never wanted my parents to find me. I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I hated everything about myself and that reflected in how I lived my life.
What made you keep your sexual assault a secret?
All I felt was anger. I didn’t want my parents to be consumed with the anger that I was feeling. I also didn’t want people looking at me like it was my fault. I didn’t want the judging eyes on me and so I thought it was safer to keep my secret. My parents made me go see a counselor and I had told him. He ended up telling my mom. I know that because one day I was in the kitchen in their home and she walked in. She asked me if I was raped and I said “yes”. I didn’t even turn around to face her. She just walked out of the kitchen and we never spoke of it again. I didn’t tell anyone again until I met my husband. We met online and the first time we spoke on the phone, I told him. I am not sure why I did but he lived thousands of miles away so I knew that he couldn’t hurt me. For someone who didn’t know me at all, he put up with a lot of emotional shit that year of us dating long distance. He stuck with me and we are still married.
What made you decide to open up about your sexual assault?
In 2014, we moved across Canada and I remember my son at the time saying that he was scared that he wouldn’t make any friends and to leave the ones that he had. I told him that this was his chance to be whoever he wanted to be. It didn’t hit me until months later that I could do the same. I had always been a writer and I stopped after my sexual assault because it reminded me too much of the person I used to be. It was suggested to me by my sister in law to start a blog. I had no idea what a blog was but I decided to give it a try. The first blog post that I published was about my story and what had happened to me. I didn’t expect anyone to read it. I shared it in a local Facebook moms group and I started getting messages thanking me for sharing my story and letting me know that I wasn’t alone. Once I hit publish, there was this huge weight that lifted off. I no longer had to pretend that what had happened to me didn’t exist. There was nothing that anyone could say to me that I hadn’t already said to myself and so I wasn’t afraid of the judgement. I had spent 11 years judging myself.
It was at that moment when I shared my story that I realized he no longer had control of me. He controlled my life for 11 years and I was no longer going to allow it. Sharing my story took me on this huge self-love journey to try and rediscover who I was and who I was becoming. It took me over a year to finally be able to look at my reflection and love what I saw. I had to be deliberate with my actions in order to truly heal what was going on. It was so painful to work through some of those things and honestly, I am still working through things. I don’t think that I will ever be 100% healed but I also don’t see that as a bad thing.
What were the reactions to those around you when you opened up about your sexual assault?
My family and I really don’t talk about it. I never have come out and talked to my parents about it one on one. We have never been super open about that sort of thing but I do know that they follow what I am doing within my life and my business. I know that they are proud of everything that I am doing. By sharing my story, it has meant that those around me also feel safe to tell me their story and it makes me feel incredibly grateful that I have been able to do that. I wish for this reason, I would have told someone sooner. I wish that I would have had the strength to stand up sooner and say what had happened to me but I also believe that I needed to go through this journey for this reason. I needed to be someone that others could talk to and open up to. There is nothing more powerful than watching a woman take back her power by sharing what has happened to her. That is one of the things that keeps me going. Knowing that someone out there is where I used to be and needs me to be their voice.
How did writing about your sexual assault help you heal?
Writing has always been there for me. My 5th grade teacher, Mr. Casetta is the one who got me started with writing. In that year, I lost my grandfather and my dog and I didn’t really know how to handle those big emotions. He taught me that writing is a safe place for me to be able to do that. We have since reconnected and Mr. Casetta was my publisher for my blogging book and we are currently working together on my book about my sexual assault. Writing gave me the freedom to share what I was feeling even when I didn’t know what that actually was. I find that my emotions can come out better through written words rather than speaking.
What words of comfort or support do you have for those that have been sexually assaulted?
Know that you are not alone. I wish that I would have known this sooner. Deep down I knew that I wasn’t the only one that this had happened to but I also felt incredibly isolated and alone. If you need someone to listen, I am here. I also want you to remember that the pain is going to take a long time to go away and it won’t go away completely. It is there to protect us and to teach us. Listen to that pain. Whether you need to write down everything that you are feeling in a journal or on a blog, get those emotions out and allow yourself to work through them. It isn’t as simple as “go to therapy and you will feel better”. You need to have multiple streams of healing to truly start to move forward. Also there is no wrong or right way to heal or act after you have been sexually assaulted. Please know that I am always here if you need someone to listen to you. You are NEVER alone.
Where to find Samantha:
- www.empowordblogging.com
- www.findyourcreativestrategy.com
Thank you so much Samantha for sharing your story.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted and are in need of support, contact The National Sexual Assault Hotline for 24/7 confidential support: 1-800-656-4673
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